Deviation by Jean Tay... Alias azhrarn! Salute to him for being the artist he is! the greatest of our present time...  

Recess Files... Contd...

Unfilled.........................

I have not felt so lonely as I have today and I wonder if this loneliness is greater than any kind in the world because it is heavy… it is so heavy… weighing down on me… incessantly… I don’t think there is anyone who could feel this lonely yet I am… why am I lonely… you ask? Aren’t you… lonely? Think about it… those people you know, those people you know oh so well seem so distant don’t they… and I am alone… there is no point anymore is there… of being close to the closest of those around you…? Because it still feels empty… lonely... voids… holes that nobody seems to fill… and I wonder why… are the gaps too big?? Are they too deep?? Everybody seems lost… wondering… we stand in front of each other but they are all lost to me… I don’t know what I am staring into anymore… standing in front of the mirror also confronted by the strangeness I see…

Its dark oh so dark right now in my head, and I don’t like it too be this dark it is scary… because once the world that I built inside my head was pretty… filled with beautiful things.. no lies… everything was correct… and now I drift from my present delusions… and I realize it never really was pretty to begin with… was only deluding myself all this time… aren’t we all…? Constantly searching I was for my missing halves… the pieces to this intricate jigsaw… but I fear maybe there is no half there are no pieces… but I will die searching.. this much I know… and maybe ill find them and maybe I won’t… but I tell myself that to make it better… it really isn’t is it? Better...? It hurts sometimes when I stand here in front of myself and see this emptiness… naked… looking at those scars that run across my gaping chasms… and it dawns on me that we have all become empty vessels of our former selves and that… its futile I have realized searching or rather reaching out to people… now I only reach out to Him… so that I have some sort of peace…some sort of love… some sort of reassurance that this barrenness is temporary… but this very longing is consuming me… withdrawing me from myself… caving in... making me sink into the abyss of my own soul… intangible…

So now this journey begins to an outward path… and I am wanting to care but know one lets me… telling myself that I am strong yet I am needy… that I am dependant yet not quite… then again we are all needy and dependant I guess? Tiredness fatigues my limbs because I have been running too long too fast to too many places and crying again because I have too many people dependant on me… and me on no one… I can not sever myself from them… pitiful humans… yet none for myself… I am tired of them… yet they are my salvation, I have recently discovered… and so as things may seem I have chosen to be the chalice for them... His creation… the purpose of my emptiness… and I choose to be lost forever… never to be found… never to be remembered… why? It was inevitable! I have given up on man because there is no salvation for them and I shall be their savior… I kneel before Him and I pray in whispers and I say “Make their sins unto mine… their hurt make it mine…”

For this is my destiny… and take me into your arms now… for you wouldn’t have me any other way… for I am the Sin Eater…

NOTE: this will be my last work for sometime... but this is where it ends for me for I dont know when... though i have many more things to share... lets see... love to all for being so good to me... strange huh? khair takecare all! :D Also ill be dropping by with my comments... cant leave completely... hehehe!!!

In The End... peace... :D

Recess Files... Contd...

Conversations With Him…

This place that I sit in… its difficult to describe but ill try anyways to make it as vivid as possible. But before I begin, I should say that here, there is much peace, it is quiet and tranquil, and I am anxiously waiting… for Him… I sit cross legged on the ground, my arms holding my weight as they rest behind me. Strange as it may seem everything is white… and not just snow white but an ethereal, hazy sort of white… its pretty and I wish I could share this image with you but live it through me nonetheless… the grass too is white, tall but not too… blades long enough to sway in the slight breeze that feels so cool against my skin… but can you imagine… white grass… even the soil it stems from is white… but it isn’t snow it feels velvety under my palms… and it has this warmth radiating from it… now I sit a few meters from a tree the ones with thick trunks… and branches making the most exquisite canopy… and the leaves on this tree are white… and the bark too… is white… there are clouds above splendid clouds… and behind the clouds is not a backdrop of blue… but the beautiful merged strokes of a golden-yellow, red and purplish blue… much like the stunning colours of a rising sun… only more captivating… everywhere I turn there is white… stretching as far as my gaze can discern… and far away the sky meets the whiteness I sit on… a single white tree in an infinite meadow of white grass… picture all this, now close your eyes and see it like I’ve seen it… isn’t it lovely…? Do you feel the calm…? The concord that feels so palpable…? If this is heaven I’d like to be here forever but I know it is not, probably some place like it…

And so I wait for Him… with hushed longing and in awe of what was to transpire…

The gentle breeze like I described at once stopped… stillness like you have never known… He comes… do not ask me how I know I just do… the wind blows once more and I am lifted… wisped rather… closer to the tree by only a few feet… it is a matter of blinking and being displaced from my original inertia… and so I stare into what can only be described as ripples in nonexistence… in the fabric of the thing we call air… and in the core of it a bluish white glow… like from a blow torch but easier on the eyes, such that you could look into it completely, without batting an eyelid… and so I am in wonderment of sensations overwhelming my very heart, my very centre… I do not know how to feel anymore… I am scared and curious and delighted and in trepidation and in tears all at once…

Soon all was put to ease by a voice… and it spoke in a tone comparable to what a mother uses to gaze into the eyes of her new born child… which is exactly as I describe… that which can not be heard but it is known to all that a conversation ensues between the two and that disturbing it would be transgression of the highest order… needless to say it was this kind of voice that spoke to me, amplified in affection and fondness a million fold… and it said to me…

“Do you like what it is you see?”

I must think of something that must not offend Him…

A knowing murmur of a laugh “hmm… hmm”

And I smile and say, “It’s very tastefully done.”

Again that knowing laugh… He understands…

“I am glad you like it so much.” He knows I do.

“Why is everything white?” I ask… and I catch my tongue hoping I did not upset Him.

“Because I like it that way… after all it keeps things simple here…”

“Then I like it the way you do!” I feel like such a child even though I am twenty years old…

“You know…” a pause, “In actuality you haven’t yet been born!” His answer is uncomplicated enough to give it a nod. “But don’t give it tooo much thought…”

“So how is everything?” I ask…

“Everything is good… the way you like it…”

“The weather here is nice too… back home it’s pretty hot you know!”

And he laughs again…

“But I don’t think I should complain…” I finish what I said…

“Tell me something… why am I here? I’ve been wanting to know for quite sometime now...”

“Hmm…”

I wait…

“Because you called Me… and I didn’t want to be rude… so now you’re here…”

I glow red with blush and smile… indeed I did call Him but I never really expected an answer… but I guess that is why I am here… cause I called Him…

“…I heard you that day like every other but this one in particular because you cried, you knelt and you cried, and you reached out to me…”

I remembered…

“And so I am here huh…? thanks.” I couldn’t really think of anything else…

“Ah… but there is much you are thinking now so why don’t you ask…? And your always welcome!”

“Why are we ALL here?”

“Because I love you so much”

“Why…?”

“There doesn’t have to be any reason for love… be it between two humans or between you and I… by design you are incomplete hence You love to be made complete… I love because it wouldn’t suit Me otherwise and I see that you do not feel loved…”

“Well yes… I kinda do…”

“That’s not true… you just haven’t looked in the right places… fine tune your filter process… sieve though everything your senses perceive and love you will find… sometimes in the most strangest of places… but you see it’s a bit complex…” He pauses, “You see… because you are eternally searching for your own missing halves… on some level you find Me in the process… it is invariably the case…” Warmth at my feet…

I frown…

He continues… “Look at yourself, you are here are you not…? All this time you were looking for love, a means to define it! And Now you are here!”

And then I realize maybe this isn’t complicated after all… I look down at the white grass contrasting against my tanned skin… and then look up…

“Then why do we hate with just as much passion!?” I blurted… but never the insolent tone. More of a hurtful tone… one that is trying to reckon its own place in the grand design of things…

“Hate…” A long pause, “You are blessed with free will are you not?”

“Yes”

“Then it is up to you to be either consumed with hate or inundated with love… isn’t it choice that professes love…? Take for example your own love back home… do you not make certain choices that calculate intricate equations that equate to love?”

“I guess so” Not satisfied by the answer…

“Then understand this, choose to make love not hate… some of you choose power as your place in the world… but it is power of the pitiful kind, if its purpose supercedes the ability to do good for others and turns to an inward path… and then when that happens blindness ensues and you forget that eventually you will die… then what was all that power for…? Earth…? Paper…?”

“I’m glad I’m not like that… and I guess I always knew the answer to that question…”

“One last example so you’d understand…You will meet people in your life that offend you and hurt you in the most grievous of ways and you would have to choose to forgive them or choose to carry on the vicious cycle… choose…!”

“Simple enough! But why do they hurt us?”

“Because they are still trying to find love… and Me… it’s a process… learn to forgive them…”

“Then I guess wars happen for the same reason… huh? Hate and such?”

“Wars… muchadoaboutnothing… peace was never really one of your traits although you vehemently desire it… yes hate is most often the root… bounties are meant to be shared not fought over… but it is choice once again and in the end all paths lead to Me…” another long pause… silence and then He spoke again, “look down and observe…”

So I do… and from the ground coils up a green stem… it twirls and twirls and leaves jut out and at it’s tip it explodes into a flower… a white lotus… with a set of stamens and a stigma… quite pretty watching a flower bloom in accelerated motion…

“Pick it…”

I hesitate… but I do reach out and break it close to its roots… and as I draw it near I look around me… a think band of blossoming lotuses… strange and yet so beautiful to observe… and then I realize the flower in my had has begun to wilt… becomes brown… shrivels up… and dies…

“So you see where there was one… there is much more!”

“Can I keep one… I’d like to show it to my friends…?”

“They wouldn’t believe you… because they still need to do a lot of searching… before they can understand what you hold in front of them… be it as unpretentious as a flower… now one last question and you should be off… we shall have plenty of time to talk later..”

“So tell me is there life anywhere other than Earth? Cause it’s an awful waste of space you know!”

A hearty laugh…

“Ah! I will not tell! If I told you all then your purpose here is rather trivil…”

Paths... taken by Natasha's skilled hands... :) love your work!! U rOcK!!

Recess Files... Contd...

Walking down these pavements again…
Flanked on either side by barren trees…
Filled to the brim with broken dreams…
You walked with me through here…
Do you remember?
The leaves were falling…
You were smiling…
Do you remember?
There was a chill in the air…
And you wore that sweet scent…
Do you remember?
That you stood there and I here…
So close, so near…
Do you remember?
Cause its so hard to forget…

Me, you and this regret…

PS: listenin to Fiona Apple... i used to like her a lot... felt like listenin to her again... downloaded many of her songs :) "U fondle my trigger and u blame ma gun! aray and REM ka loosing my religion!! wot a song! :D" khair... also did a new sketch... chk it out at !!...WooZiEe-ArT...!!... peace! :D