Recess Files... Contd...

Unfilled.........................

I have not felt so lonely as I have today and I wonder if this loneliness is greater than any kind in the world because it is heavy… it is so heavy… weighing down on me… incessantly… I don’t think there is anyone who could feel this lonely yet I am… why am I lonely… you ask? Aren’t you… lonely? Think about it… those people you know, those people you know oh so well seem so distant don’t they… and I am alone… there is no point anymore is there… of being close to the closest of those around you…? Because it still feels empty… lonely... voids… holes that nobody seems to fill… and I wonder why… are the gaps too big?? Are they too deep?? Everybody seems lost… wondering… we stand in front of each other but they are all lost to me… I don’t know what I am staring into anymore… standing in front of the mirror also confronted by the strangeness I see…

Its dark oh so dark right now in my head, and I don’t like it too be this dark it is scary… because once the world that I built inside my head was pretty… filled with beautiful things.. no lies… everything was correct… and now I drift from my present delusions… and I realize it never really was pretty to begin with… was only deluding myself all this time… aren’t we all…? Constantly searching I was for my missing halves… the pieces to this intricate jigsaw… but I fear maybe there is no half there are no pieces… but I will die searching.. this much I know… and maybe ill find them and maybe I won’t… but I tell myself that to make it better… it really isn’t is it? Better...? It hurts sometimes when I stand here in front of myself and see this emptiness… naked… looking at those scars that run across my gaping chasms… and it dawns on me that we have all become empty vessels of our former selves and that… its futile I have realized searching or rather reaching out to people… now I only reach out to Him… so that I have some sort of peace…some sort of love… some sort of reassurance that this barrenness is temporary… but this very longing is consuming me… withdrawing me from myself… caving in... making me sink into the abyss of my own soul… intangible…

So now this journey begins to an outward path… and I am wanting to care but know one lets me… telling myself that I am strong yet I am needy… that I am dependant yet not quite… then again we are all needy and dependant I guess? Tiredness fatigues my limbs because I have been running too long too fast to too many places and crying again because I have too many people dependant on me… and me on no one… I can not sever myself from them… pitiful humans… yet none for myself… I am tired of them… yet they are my salvation, I have recently discovered… and so as things may seem I have chosen to be the chalice for them... His creation… the purpose of my emptiness… and I choose to be lost forever… never to be found… never to be remembered… why? It was inevitable! I have given up on man because there is no salvation for them and I shall be their savior… I kneel before Him and I pray in whispers and I say “Make their sins unto mine… their hurt make it mine…”

For this is my destiny… and take me into your arms now… for you wouldn’t have me any other way… for I am the Sin Eater…

NOTE: this will be my last work for sometime... but this is where it ends for me for I dont know when... though i have many more things to share... lets see... love to all for being so good to me... strange huh? khair takecare all! :D Also ill be dropping by with my comments... cant leave completely... hehehe!!!